Tag Archives: Elder Care

Courage at Twilight: I Wasn’t There

I am wallowing in self-reproach.  Mom fell in the shower.  She does not remember falling.  She remembers only waking up on the floor, the water sprinkling down on her, the door flung open.  And I did not know.  And Dad did not know.  I asked her at breakfast about the scratch on the bridge of her nose, but she did not know where it came from.  As she sat in her Sunday dress, ready to go to church, Dad asked her how she felt.  “Not so good,” she said, seeming very tired.  I passed it off as a symptom of the sinus infection she is getting over.  She told me later about her slumping from her chair.  That morning I had awoken with a start when I thought I heard a bang.  I could hear water tinkling.  Remembering how the shower door clangs when it closes, I thought nothing more of it.  We went to church like normal, moving a little slower.  I cooked all afternoon to give Mom and Dad a nice Sunday dinner: tilapia poached in white wine with green onions, sauced with creamy mushroom-clam sauce.  For dessert I made crepes stuffed with vanilla-cream sauced apples.  It all tasted divine.  But all I could think about as I cooked and ate and washed dishes was not being there when Mom needed me.  I was there, in the same house, on the same floor, in the room next door, with Mom lying unconscious on the shower floor, being drizzled with warm water.  But I was not there for her.  I could have revived her, helped her up, given her care and attention.  But I was not there.  All this fancy French food and the effort it took and the palatable pleasure it brought meant nothing.  What would have meant something was following through on the waking start and investigating assertively and helping my mother when she needed me.  The bruise on her cheek bone is starting to show.

Courage at Twilight: Building Boxes

I didn’t go to Wal-Mart for boxes.  I went there for snacks, including cheddar fish crackers, for a day trip to see Disney’s Beauty and the Beast with Hannah at Tuacahn.  But there was the cheerful Pepperidge Farms lady collapsing boxes by the dozen, happy to give them to me when I asked.  Packing is always a daunting task, and it starts with building boxes.  With Ken Burns’ 20-hour Jazz playing b-bop and avant-garde, I started folding and taping flaps, and tossing the boxes in a heap.  I feel so sad for genius Charlie Parker, playing sax music from heaven while drugs dragged him down to a living hell, with death at 34.  At DVD’s end, the living room was a heap of empty cracker boxes, about to be filled with books I may never read but yet carry around by the decade.  My life feels about to be reduced to a stack of heavy boxes marked “books.”  But mine is a good life: I will have a safe, loving place to live with, and care for, my generous parents.  Safe places—that is what we should be building.  I guess it starts with building boxes.  Forty down; so many to go.

Courage at Twilight: The Proposal

#5.  My sister Sarah bought Mom and Dad a Facebook Portal, although they struggle with technology and do not want “a Facebook.”  The Portal sits like a small TV screen on their kitchen table.  Having my siblings’ blessing, I felt an urgency to talk with Mom and Dad immediately about my proposal to move in with them—so many puzzle pieces would need to fall into place in the right order—but I did not want to have such an important conversation on the phone, and right then I could not drive the hour each way to visit them in person.  Why not use the Portal?  When Mom and Dad answered, I saw them sitting big as life at their kitchen table.  They lifted their heads slightly from looking through scalloped bifocals.  They could see me at my desk in Tooele with my law certificates, plants, books, family photos, and Van Gogh paintings around me.  For me, too, the bifocal tilt.  I explained my concerns about their welfare and my proposal to move from my home to theirs, to help them live comfortably and safely in their home for as long as they wished.  I mustered my most persuasive presentation, anxious about how they might react.  Happily, Mom seemed relieved, and said simply, “Thank you, son.  That would be wonderful.”  Dad seemed grateful, but concerned—for me.  We talked things through—my move, my commute, my work, my parenting with Hannah—and they agreed to the proposal.  The plan was now in motion.