I have worked 29 years for the same local government employer, both as a criminal prosecutor (two years) and civil attorney (27 years). Since my appointment as city attorney in 1995, my prosecutors and I have chuckled together at misspellings and grammatical errors in police reports and witness statements. Spell check contributes to the humor by suggesting incorrect words based off deficient spelling. I began keeping a list of these comic faux pas. For years, in my weekly staff meetings, I have “required” (actually merely invited) my staff of four to bring to the meeting their “funnies” for the week. Inevitably, one of us has a funny to share. Some are zanier than others; many elicit guffaws and giggles. I will share some of my favorites with you here, drawn from my 20-page single-spaced collection. I am not poking fun at my law enforcement colleagues, for whom I have great and enduring respect and appreciation, but am simply finding light-hearted humor in humanity’s frequent communication gaffes. Today I gave Mom an updated copy of the full list, and could hear her laughing for an hour from her recliner. I hope you, too, find them amusing.
- The suspect put a leach on the dog. (leash)
- The officer explained the rabies vacation requirements for dogs. (vaccination)
- The suspect placed his feet in the potion as instructed. (position)
- The officer performed Satanized Field Sobriety Tests on the subject. (standardized)
- The suspect’s dog attacked the Minitour Pinscher. (Miniature)
- The officer activated his eminency lights and initiated a traffic stop. (emergency)
- Refer the suspect for charges of untheorized control of a motor vehicle. (unauthorized)
- Refer the suspect for charges of assault on peach officer. (peace officer)
- The detective was fluid in Spanish. (fluent)
- The suspect did not loose concussions from falling on his head. (lose consciousness)
- The suspect stole the change despiser from the till. (dispenser)
- The officer saw her in the car huffing from a can of arousal duster. (aerosol)
- While the officer was exciting his vehicle, the suspect excited the home. (exited)
- The suspects were yelling back and forth searing at each other. (swearing)
- The suspect had preciously mixed a drink. (previously)
- The suspect was a heavy guy with black bear driving in a red Honda. (beard)
- The suspect stated he had smoked a bowel full of marijuana. (bowl-full)
- The dog was loose and wondering outside. (wandering)
- The officer notified the city reprehensive. (representative)
- The witness said there was a costumer in the store. (customer)
- The defendant is to enter an impatient drug treatment program. (in-patient)
- The suspect singed the citation. (signed)
- The wittiness was later identified. (witness)