Tag Archives: Humor

Courage at Twilight: Red Underwear

Dad’s running days are over, as are his cycling days. In fact, even his walking days are over.  His walker days, however, have arrived, though he still refuses to use the big blue walker.  During his jogging career, Dad ran 13 marathons.  His training regimen included running seven miles a day during his lunch break, and 20 miles on Saturdays.  He and other Johnson & Johnson attorneys and executives enjoying running together in Johnson Park along the Raritan River.  After changing into his running shorts one day, he bolted from the locker room to join the jogging group.  One attorney in the group, a woman, commented to him, “Nice shorts, Nelson.”  He looked down to find himself wearing only his tight red underwear.  In his hurry, he had neglected to slip on his running shorts.  Darting back to the locker room, he soon returned more appropriately dressed.  The group set off, and no one said another word about it.  To Dad’s credit, he did not mind telling us children the story, many years later, including both horror and the humor of the episode.

Courage at Twilight: Staff Meeting Funnies

I have worked 29 years for the same local government employer, both as a criminal prosecutor (two years) and civil attorney (27 years).  Since my appointment as city attorney in 1995, my prosecutors and I have chuckled together at misspellings and grammatical errors in police reports and witness statements.  Spell check contributes to the humor by suggesting incorrect words based off deficient spelling.  I began keeping a list of these comic faux pas.  For years, in my weekly staff meetings, I have “required” (actually merely invited) my staff of four to bring to the meeting their “funnies” for the week.  Inevitably, one of us has a funny to share.  Some are zanier than others; many elicit guffaws and giggles.  I will share some of my favorites with you here, drawn from my 20-page single-spaced collection.  I am not poking fun at my law enforcement colleagues, for whom I have great and enduring respect and appreciation, but am simply finding light-hearted humor in humanity’s frequent communication gaffes.  Today I gave Mom an updated copy of the full list, and could hear her laughing for an hour from her recliner.  I hope you, too, find them amusing.

  • The suspect put a leach on the dog.  (leash)
  • The officer explained the rabies vacation requirements for dogs.  (vaccination)
  • The suspect placed his feet in the potion as instructed.  (position)
  • The officer performed Satanized Field Sobriety Tests on the subject.  (standardized)
  • The suspect’s dog attacked the Minitour Pinscher.  (Miniature)
  • The officer activated his eminency lights and initiated a traffic stop.  (emergency)
  • Refer the suspect for charges of untheorized control of a motor vehicle.  (unauthorized)
  • Refer the suspect for charges of assault on peach officer.  (peace officer)
  • The detective was fluid in Spanish.  (fluent)
  • The suspect did not loose concussions from falling on his head.  (lose consciousness)
  • The suspect stole the change despiser from the till.  (dispenser)
  • The officer saw her in the car huffing from a can of arousal duster.  (aerosol)
  • While the officer was exciting his vehicle, the suspect excited the home.  (exited)
  • The suspects were yelling back and forth searing at each other.  (swearing)
  • The suspect had preciously mixed a drink.  (previously)
  • The suspect was a heavy guy with black bear driving in a red Honda.  (beard)
  • The suspect stated he had smoked a bowel full of marijuana.  (bowl-full)
  • The dog was loose and wondering outside.  (wandering)
  • The officer notified the city reprehensive.  (representative)
  • The witness said there was a costumer in the store.  (customer)
  • The defendant is to enter an impatient drug treatment program.  (in-patient)
  • The suspect singed the citation.  (signed)
  • The wittiness was later identified.  (witness)

(Image by Jupi Lu from Pixabay.)

Courage at Twilight: The Doorbell

From my home office window, I saw the USPS mail truck drive by.  A few minutes later the doorbell rang.  I ran down the stairs and opened the front door to find no one there and no packages on the porch and no mail on the javelina snout.  Huh, I wondered and literally scratched my bald head.  Mom was sitting calmly at the kitchen table.  “Mom, I heard the doorbell ring, but nobody’s there.”  She allowed a sheepish grin and told me it was she that had rung the bell.  At my quizzical look, she confided that the doorbell is a kind of intercom message from her to help Dad get up and get moving into the day.