Tag Archives: Funerals

Courage at Twilight: Veils Black and White

Eight family guests flew in Friday night for the next morning’s wedding, the beds set up and clothed with sheets and blankets and the towels stacked and the groceries bought. And the water heater broke, so the wedding day brought cold showers all around, and no one grumbled and everyone smiled and looked beautiful at the temple, radiant and soft as the light through the stained glass and the zinnias and roses on the grounds.  The officiator instructed the groom and bride after vows to cleave to each other and to labor together in love, and that the groom may now communicate his love with a kiss, and the bride quipped grinning that he was a good communicator.  Soft laughter rolling through the temple.  My predominant emotion at weddings is doom, for marriage has brought so much sadness and pain and grief to me and to so many I love, the termination of built hopes and the loss of future memories the absence of whispers and touch, and I struggle to want to celebrate.  I wished them luck and congratulations, wanting to believe theirs could work.  My children have chosen well, and I encourage them often to just keep talking and giving, come what may.  This white-veiled wedding has brought the family together in hope and love, at least, and that is a good thing.  I have noticed a young woman sitting graveside in the green expanse of Larkin cemetery, morning after morning.  Sometimes she is lying on the patch of new sod, a white bouquet in the vase, and I sense her black veil of mourning.  You know you have a gift for her, came the thought, and I slid Megan Devine’s book into a zip loc bag with a note: A gift for you in your grief… to leave by the bouquet for her to find, but she lay there again, sleeping wrapped in her blanket against Fall’s chill, so I secreted my gift under the windshield wiper of her blue Jetta and tiptoed away, glad for the anonymity that might ease the gift-giving and avoid the awkwardness of a stranger’s strange approach.  The man had died at 28, leaving behind two children and, presumably, this grieving young woman.  I wonder if I will see her again sitting graveside.  Not today, as I returned from the happy wedding, stuffed with Brick Oven pizza, returning to do what I do best, eradicating weeds and pruning dead wood, the blooming geraniums belying my aching arthritic hands.  Their infirmities did not allow Mom and Dad to attend the wedding festivities, but Mom called and pleaded and Scott came on this Labor Day Saturday and brought a new water heater when he could have not cared and made us wait until Tuesday, but he came, and the water heater was under warranty, saving us $2,200, so he said.  And $900 later everyone is happily but tiredly home, enjoying sprays of warm water, languid on the couch, munching Oreos, the couple married off, off on their adventure, having stepped into the mystery of marriage.

Courage at Twilight: Recharged

Dad has tired of ham-onion-Swiss sandwiches, and Mom has had to get creative with his lunches. A plate of mixed nuts, applesauce, a slice of cheddar, carrot sticks, celery and cream cheese, and a peach cup—do not forget the diet Coke, on the rocks—have been this week’s fare.  And the bag of kettle-fried potato chips on the floor by his recliner.  Mom assembles Dad’s lunches simply because Dad cannot.  He seems to enjoy ordering her around a bit, e.g., “Lucille, get me some crackers.”  While they munched, I dug out the Subaru owner’s manual and read the jumper cable instructions carefully, three times, connected the jumper cables, carefully, to Mom’s Legacy and the Mighty V8, rechecked the instructions twice, started the Mighty V8’s engine, then turned the key to Mom’s Legacy.  Dad’s faithful Suburban soon began to falter, then died, and smoke curled up from both batteries.  Mom’s car never started.  Continue reading

Courage at Twilight: 1920 Model-T

“There’s a hole in my head!” Dad groused, fingering his newly-stitchless scalp.  “Why did Hinckley leave a hole in my head?”  I examined Dad’s new scar, which curved over eight inches of wispy-haired scalp.  The scar centered on a remaining scab, where the initial cancer had been scooped deeply out.  I reassured him that his head looked fine, that there was no open wound, that what he felt as a hole was just a scab.  “Why didn’t he stitch the skin together so there isn’t a hole in my head?”  When the scab falls out, I suggested, I was sure he would see how neatly sutured the whole incision was.  “But there’s a hole in my head.”  Mom scowled and rolled her eyes, and I let the matter go.  I would not be able convince him there was not a hole in his head, and did not want to argue.  Maybe the surgeon did leave a hole in Dad’s head—what could I do about it other than watch for both healing and infection?  Continue reading

Courage at Twilight: Chairs at a Funeral

The call (or rather, the email) had gone out to all the men of the church: our help was wanted on a Thursday night to set up chairs and tables in preparation for a neighbor’s funeral the next morning. The eight of us that came set out rows of padded chairs in the large multi-purpose room, back of the chapel, in which were held church parties, youth athletic events, evening classes, and dances, providing also overflow seating for Sunday services.  It became quickly obvious that the room’s carpet should first be vacuumed clean.  But our vacuum cleaners would not work, one not picking up, the other dropping dirt out.  Kevin and I turned over and dismantled a vacuum cleaner, finding a tight clog of dust and hair and cupcake sprinkles packed in the intake tube.  Clearing the clog, the machine worked wonderfully well.  I installed a new bag in a second vacuum, and discovered that the power roller would not engage until the intake tube was not pushed sufficiently tightly into the power unit.  Soon it, too, did its job admirably.  The deceased’s viewing had ended, the visitors had left, so I ventured out to vacuum the hallway.  Long tables lined the hall, covered with white embroidered cloths, framed photographs, and a lifetime of her memorabilia, suddenly just stuff.  I shuddered as I peeked into the viewing room and glimpsed white hands crossed and still in a white casket.  And a thought struck me with force and with fright, that those hands could have been, or soon may be, the hands of my father, aged 87, or my mother, aged 83, and I will be sitting sad in that room while someone else vacuums the floors (perhaps after cleaning or repairing the vacuum cleaners) and rolls out the tables and sets out rows of pink padded chairs for the funeral the next morning at which I will weep and speak and say I know not what.  But I fled the hallway, finding it sufficiently clean, and rejoined the seven others to finish our job.  After the funeral, and after the burial, the family would return to gather and to sit on our chairs at our tables on our clean carpeted floor and consume the meal the church women, the local Relief Society, had prepared, a meal of sliced ham and shredded potato casserole topped with crushed corn flakes, and colorful Jell-O cubes or green creamy pudding with miniature marshmallows, and baskets of little rolls.  But I will worry no more about all that today.  Today I will worry about the next made-from-scratch meal, lately from Half Baked Harvest, perhaps Granny’s Meatballs, or Coq au Vin, or Potato Chip Chicken, and I will worry about being happy in this life of mine, brought to be by my choices, and the choices of others, a life of abundant blessings and plentiful trials, and long slow line-by-line learning.

(Pictured above, Tieghan Gerrard’s “Granny’s Meatballs” recipe from Half Baked Harvest, stewed in red wine and seasonings, topped with Mozzarella and Provolone, making a nice Sunday after-church dinner.  Have I told you before, I love my iron?)