Once Dad could no longer kneel, or stand, or even sit up, he began saying his nighttime prayers in bed. Mom would hold his hand as he spoke to his Father God, giving thanks for the blessings of home and family and his witness of spiritual truths, and importuning the Great Intervenor to bless each member of the family, by name, in their various afflictions and difficulties. I did not like to eavesdrop on these sacred moments, but passing by their room I sometimes heard him praying for my happiness. With Dad now departed, Mom has assumed his former role of praying out loud every night from her bed. Mom loathes praying out loud in the presence of others, even to ask a blessing on our meals—for some reason she feels embarrassed and inadequate. But in the comfort of her bed and dark bedroom, she prays to the Divine. I hear her croaking gasping voice in supplication even from the distance of my bedroom, where I struggle to find my own words of faith and prayer. I do not discern her words, and that is just as well: I don’t want to invade her privacy. But I am glad to witness her faith.
Tag Archives: Faith
Courage at Twilight: What a Reunion
Fifty years. These men and women, all in their 70s now, graying and wrinkling, limping and slowing, still loving and laughing, traveled in their 20s to Brazil, sent by their Church to be proselyting missionaries, to share a gospel message of love and spirit and Christ, of pure living and eternal families and love of God, with the people of 1970s Brazil. Dad began his three-year unpaid tour of duty as their 36-year-old leader, mentor, and president, Mom by his side, their oldest child (me) only eight, with Sarah’s infant arrival imminent. Now these mature men and women gathered at Mom’s and Dad’s house, sixty of them, seated in tight rows and listening, and Dad did not disappoint them. I sat in the back with Megan, with my head in my hands, weary from the day’s setting-up, listening to all his old stories for the three-dozenth time, and looked up to see his audience enrapt, admiring, joyful, reliving the old stories, which are true, after all: the story of Maria who during World War II kept her tithing in a glass jar buried in her back yard, delivering the coins to Dad, himself a young missionary in 1957, and receiving from him a receipt for her widow’s mites; the story of Dad translating for a living prophet of God who greeted, became acquainted with, prayed for, laid his hands gently upon, and quietly healed each of the twenty sick and distressed Church members, one at a time, who awaited with faith his blessing; the story of Dad’s impression that all persons he contacted on this particular street would answer, “Yes—please come back and share your message with my family,” and they did; the story of priests who had Dad arrested in 1958, and through the iron bars his cell Dad told the prison guard he had arrested a minister of Christ, and the guard growled, “Prove it,” and Dad replied, “Pull up a chair,” and preached of Christ and his ancient Church restored in our day, with living prophets and apostles, preached for three hours until the prison guard had to confess Dad was, indeed, a minister, and released him from his cell, and committed to reading holy modern scripture; another story of Maria, who cooked in an outdoor oven made of loose bricks and sheet metal, feeding the fire with straw, her thermometer the back of her hand, Maria who baked a cake for the missionaries on the first day of every month, and invited them to visit on that first day if they wanted a fresh cake, or later in the month if freshness was not a priority; the story of a second arrest, Dad again behind bars, the prisoner in the adjoining cell screaming as the guard wacked him with a rubber hose, and the voice of God whispering to Dad, Do and say exactly as I instruct, and you will be safe and let go. This is not a joke, and Dad followed that voice and demanded to see the warden and instructed the warden on the doctrine of Christ and on his calling as a missionary ambassador of Jesus, instructed further on unlawful imprisonment and bad press and police duty until the warden relented and released him and promised him the police would not harass the young missionaries again; and the story of persons who dreamt of church buildings they had never seen until accompanying Dad and his missionaries to Sunday services in the very church buildings of their dreams, be they a rented room or a remodeled house or a regular Church meetinghouse; the story of Arthur, an Italian giant, whose hard heart softened from flint to flesh over Dad’s fifteen years of gentle shepherding until Arthur finally went grudgingly to a Church meeting and cried like a baby and demanded baptism, now, not in two weeks—tomorrow—and who remained a meek and faithful Jesus disciple to the last of his long days. Though I had heard these stories many times, Dad’s retelling was expert and touching, compelling even, as if this mission reunion might be his last, his final tender testimony of God’s miracles and of Christ growing his latter-day Church and changing hearts and lives. Sixty sets of eyes moist with memories and the love of God and the love of sisterhood and brotherhood and Christ community. I led the group in Dorival Caymmi’s classic 1956 swinging hit “Maracangalha” ending with “…eu vou só, eu vou só, sem Anália, mas eu vou…” The reunion ended with plates of coxinha chicken croquettes and kibe beef croquettes and pão de queijo cheesy bread balls and bom-bom candies and cups of cold guaraná soda and catching up on grandchildren and jobs and health and passings away and sufferings and joys and handshakes and backclaps, visiting until near midnight, the happiest of gatherings.
(Yours truly with my dear sister Megan)
Courage at Twilight: My Parents’ Prayers
The Bible teaches that God knows what we will pray for before we pray. The value of prayer, therefore, cannot be to inform God of our desires and thoughts and needs, for he already knows them. Rather, the value must come in the act of turning our hearts heavenward, expressing our needs either in fury or humility, mustering gratitude for blessings in spite of adversities, and exerting faith in the impossible and unknown. Still, prayer has never come easily to me. My scattered thoughts bounce off the walls of my brain until my short patience is spent. Based on the example of the Lord’s Prayer, I do manage to acknowledge God and express love and respect for him, and I thank him for bringing his kingdom to the earth and allowing me to be a small part of slowly building it. Then I launch into what I want and what I need, which usually devolves into begging on behalf of my children and family for their growth and well-being. Emerging from my bedroom to brush my teeth one night, I heard Mom talking to herself in her bedroom. But then I overheard some of her words: “Roger is not feeling well. Please bless him to sleep soundly. Please bless him to get better. Please bless him to be able to go to choir practice and to church tomorrow.” I had already decided I did not want to go to choir practice or to church, but to sleep and rest. But now someone sweet and loving was beseeching God on my behalf, and I could not allow laziness and apathy to prevail over her sincere prayer. So, I willed myself to get out of bed and be the answer to her prayers, and I confess to asking God to helping me answer her prayers on his behalf. Against expectations, I ended up enjoying choir and church, and feeling a little better. When Dad awakes after his late-night reading, he shuffles to his sofa, covers himself with a quilt Mom sewed, closes his eyes, and points his heart and mind and silent words to God in prayer, and he stays there until he feels he has been heard and answered. I have walked in on him a time or two, thinking he had dozed, but he looked at me and exclaimed, “Rog! Come in! I was just talking with Jesus.” I have come to believe that prayer is not delusional or wasted effort, but rather a powerful expression of the hope of faith, and the necessary exercise of the muscles of faith, faith that works change within us and nudges us toward goodness, love, and light. Given that, I keep at it. Maybe prayer will come naturally to me someday. Maybe this essay is my prayer.
(Image by reenablack from Pixabay)
Courage at Twilight: Prayers of the Innocent
As a boy, Dad’s mother Dora prayed with him every night, saying, “Bless the cost and worn.” He thought it a good thing to ask God to bless the cost and worn, whoever they were—their situation sounded grim. Sometime later, Dad asked her, “Mother, who are the cost and worn?” She looked quizzical, confessing she did not know. They thought and thought and repeated the phrase together numerous times, eventually realizing they had meant to be asking in prayer for those who had “cause to mourn.” Of course, God knew their hearts, and what they meant to say, and who the cost and worn were—and doubtless He accepted their petition. Again as a little boy, Dad was asked in his church primary class to offer a prayer. He stood dutifully in front of the class and ventured, “Heavenly Father, help us to beat the Japs.” While one would never refer to the noble Japanese people in that fashion today, eighty years ago, in 1942, that very prayer was on the lips and minds of tens of millions of people. Even a seven-year-old boy felt the weight of the great conflict that was World War II, and asked his God to end it. I have heard many testimonials from young children who prayed to find something they had lost, and immediately seeing in their mind, or feeling an impression about, where the lost thing was, and finding it precisely there. I have felt tempted to pooh-pooh this puerile witness of the Divine. But then I remember that God loves little children (and wants us older folks to be like them)—He wants to bless them, and appreciates their simple supplications as much or more than my own more complex concerns. Children love and have faith and hope. And what sweeter exercise of faith could one encounter than a small child turning to God in momentary distress. An excellent pattern we would do well to emulate our whole life long. The next time I lose my car keys, I will pray to God to help me find them. Tonight, I will pray for the cost and worn.
(Image by truthseeker08 from Pixabay)
Courage at Twilight: In the Resurrection
Dad wants to be buried by his father, Owen. Owen died of heart disease at the age of 59, a sad separation of father and son. Dad harbors a secure faith in the resurrection and afterlife. He is not concerned with the mechanics of how our bodies will be rebuilt and immortalized—God knows how to work all that out. In the next life, each person will receive the divine inheritance they craved and strove for during this mortality. The character we forged here will be our character there. How could it be any different? Did we think we could spend our life injuring others and suddenly, in the next sphere, be transformed into benevolence? No, the universe doesn’t work that way. Dad shared with me that when he awakens in the resurrection, next to his father, who will likewise resurrect, he intends to exclaim, “Father! I am so happy to see you! I love you!” And Owen will rejoin, “Son! I am so pleased to see you! I have missed you! I love you!” Now, that is a hope and faith I can subscribe to.
Courage at Twilight: Garden Party
Mom received an invitation from one of the women of the Church. It was fancy, with vinery winding around the pretty graphics and text. An invitation to a Relief Society Garden Party. The Relief Society, established by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 1842, and reestablished in 1868 after the “Mormons” were driven from Missouri and Illinois into the wilds of Utah Territory, created a “temporal and spiritual ministry” by which the frontier pioneer women cared for each other, Church members and not. The Relief Society organization, tradition, and mission thrives today, both with weekly meetings and countless acts of ministering to one another by over seven million women—a great worldwide sisterhood. And here was the Garden Party, 179 years on, with 60 neighborhood women converging on the designated garden. I dropped Mom off at the driveway and watched her gather with the welcoming throng. She beamed as she walked through the front door three hours later, happy, refreshed, built up by camaraderie and love. Dinner had consisted of a huge salad bar spread over several tables, plus one for desserts. She loved visiting with the women, her sisters, and particularly enjoyed those who beamed cheer despite personal hardship. For that is what we do: we take what comes and help each other through with smiles on our faces, sustained by a faith that all will work out in the end.
Commandments
In our lives, in this world, so much of what we hear screams at us; so much of what we see strains the eye; so much stimulus overwhelms our senses. So how do we sense the sublime? How do we discern the quintessential? Beauty and ugliness both surround us. To see beauty despite what is ugly requires both a choice to see, and a belief that beauty is there to be seen. For a moment, put aside religion, God, spirituality, and morality–and trust that intrinsic beauty and goodness are real. That is when you will see. My poem “Commandments” points at the difficulty of having faith in goodness, of sensing the sublime, of believing in beauty, touches on the straining effort faith requires, but affirms the reality and virtue of light, goodness, beauty, and sublimity, and their power to eclipse evil.
COMMANDMENTS
Of you
I require
to hear Wren’s peep
through the hurricane’s howl,
to stare at the sun
yet see Luna fly,
to feel the breeze on your skin
as you’re quartered and drawn.
I demand your peaceability
despite warmongerings and deceits,
against abominations and lying hearts.
Your peaceable walk
I adjure.
Discern the beauty
of the muddy speck,
the song
in the screech and cry.
Prayer
Prayer Rock by Laura Baker
Prayer has never come easy for me. I avoid it, put it off, wander in my thoughts, cut it short. Yet, I pray every day, because I have been told to, all my life. It’s what I should do, they said. I also pray because I want to believe that someone is listening and caring and responding. But really I pray because I cannot deny a subtle, loving presence that abides and sustains when I am prayerful. Prayerful through formal kneeling prayers as well as daily mindfulness.
For a family activity, we had each child choose a special rock from our faux riverbed, a rock to paint. Laura (now 20) painted this rock when she was a young girl. She gave it to me: a present for dad. I keep it on my nightstand where I see it every morning and every night. I call it my prayer rock. I reminds me to bend my knee and bow my head, in humility, in gratitude, in desperate supplication, in recognition of the divine.
I offer to you two short poems on prayer. Fitful, imperfect, but sincere prayer.
YES, I PRAY
Do you pray morning and night? they asked.
I wondered, Do I?
I pray all the day long.
My life is a prayer.
Living is a prayer–
a sacred expression of dreams, frustrations, loves, and straining efforts;
a reaching out to the One who can reveal the mysteries hidden deep within;
a cry of faith and despair, of struggle and the hope of victory;
an ever truer reconciliation of heaven and earth.
Yes, I pray.
ENDURING
Father–
I am here, and
I am listening.
A Cross To Hold
Elizabeth recently sent to me a special crucifix, carved from olive wood, that she called her holding cross. Anne, wife of Father Chris, had gifted the cross to Elizabeth during a difficult period of Elizabeth’s life. “For when there are no words,” Anne had said. Elizabeth kept her holding cross close day and night, grasping it as she slept, toting it in her purse, carrying it as she walked along the beach, feeling it in her pocket. Knowing that I, too, was passing through a challenging time of loss and loneliness, Elizabeth gifted her cross to me. She sacrificed something holy and dear to her so that I might find comfort in the cross, as had she. How I appreciate her gift, which arrived the day after Christmas.
Since receiving Elizabeth’s holding cross, now my holding cross, I have often sat in contemplation of its features, simple and beautiful. I have thought of the wounds of Christ, the pain he suffered on our behalf, the love he beams to each of us, the dreadful certainty of his death, and the certain hope of his resurrection. Though often a trying exercise, I labor to trust in him to mentor me in each moment, to show me the ways of patience and generosity, to coach me at kindness and compassion. Turning the holding cross over and over in my fingers, staring at it in my palms, the words of this poem began to flow and form. It is my hope that this poem inspires hope within all who read it.
A CROSS TO HOLD
These two arms, outstretched,
fit the curving
space between my fingers
as I caress, hold tight, caress.
Those hands, two,
at the end
brought tears, and blood,
that I make my own
through kindness.
The head inclines
to me, to all
the world, the masses.
I wonder at the mystery,
joy in the simplicity.
The feet: his feet: my feet:
wandering purposefully through
time and tide;
standing firm through all;
footprints to follow.
Olive wood glistening
from the oils and sweat
of your hands, of my hands,
from lips’ kisses;
polished with beeswax,
scented with lemon oil:
smooth; soft;
shining.
Hope,
in my hands,
holding.
Chapter 29: Gardens
–Knock, knock.–
–Who’s there?–
–I got up.–
–I got up who?–
(Hyrum-4 with Dad)
Despite the bright blue sky and the sun’s brilliance dazzling from millions of ice crystals in the fresh skiff of snow, I felt crushed by life’s burdens as I trudged alone along Rabbit Lane. The burdens of being a husband and provider and father to seven children. The burdens of being legal counsel to a busy, growing city. The burdens of maintaining a home, of participating in my church, and of being scoutmaster to a local boy scout troop. The burdens of being human. While the sky above me opened wide to space, these responsibilities bore down heavily upon my heart. They seemed to darken my very sky. Continue reading









