Courage at Twilight: Almonds by the Pound

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I am not doing well.  Of course, that sentence is so vague as to mean nothing at all.  Let me see if I can rephrase.  I am feeling acute prolonged distress on account of continuous daily events like watching my father exert all his earthly energies merely to rise from a chair and stumble on the verge of forward falling with each step as he crosses a room and knowing that one fall with a blow to the head or a broken leg or hip would take him from his home and land him in a hospital or assisted living whence he might not return and knowing the finances and the absence of long-term care insurance and that the needs for the little that is left, the needs, the needs, come constantly and persistently and if Mom and Dad are long-term hurt or long-term sick and cannot stay home the bills would take their home from them for we likely would have to sell the home, the home, and then where would our family be? and I can’t even think or ask When will this end? because the only end is a sad and tragic end which I abhor and eschew and don’t ever want ever and so we endure together and we make the best of things which often is pretty excellent though always under pall.  I know I am not doing very well because I am writing in hysterical stream-of-consciousness and I swear frequently under my breath and I am consuming large quantities of lemon-yogurt-covered almonds and milk-chocolate-covered almonds and colorful crunchy Jordan almonds and feel a general awfulness inside and out and the frequent need to sit in a dark quiet room in my recliner under a soft fleece throw.

 

(Image by WikimediaImages from Pixabay.)

6 thoughts on “Courage at Twilight: Almonds by the Pound”

  3. spanishwoods

    Well Roger, I am not religious, but I know that you are. So I know that you know how to reach deeply within yourself and find the peace you need to cope with this situation. The thing is, sometimes when there are too many “situations”, it seems rather like that pile of almonds; slippery and potentially bad for the digestive system. And I have no answers, except keep writing, and keep reaching out though your blog and keep being the person you are. Now I don’t really know you (and you do not know me), but from your writing, I know a little bit about you. Here’s something I know: you love your parents and you’re doing the best you can. And those two things can move mountains. One day will be bad, and the next day might also be bad and the next three days might be horrible, but then there will be a good day, and a better day and then a wonderful day. And you will be there, fully present, to experience it. It will come back around, in one way or another, it will come back around.

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    1. Roger Baker-Utah Post author

      I read this recently in an encouraging blog post: “You have survived 100% of your bad days.” And so I have! Yes, I am committed to a spiritual life and practice, though having faith in life and in the Divine is always hard exercise for me. Still, I try, I work at it, and I feel the subtle but undeniable workings in the Divine to help me love deeper, forgive more easily, let go more quickly, and heal. Thank you so much for your caring and encouraging words. Now, I think I’ll have an almond!

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